I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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