its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
