I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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