I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize