The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I AM VODKA MAN
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
