If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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