My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Randomize
