Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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