Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
