did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Mom said you looked used
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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