Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
whose parrot is this?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
