For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
