dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
