I heard we made out
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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