Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize