I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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