There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Still dying that you shit outside
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
