I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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