you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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