Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
it glows. i had to have it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
