i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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