Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
