yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
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Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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