Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
40s are totally the cure
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
