um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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