he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
