The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize