Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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