You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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