In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
