Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
