i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I'm really busy with my period
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