I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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