if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
