i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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