thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
