dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
