yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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