He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
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Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
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I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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