Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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