dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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