my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
