I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
