he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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