Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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