My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
