So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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