I checked into jail on foursquare
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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