Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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