It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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