Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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