that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
sex in a hospital.. check
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
