So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
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I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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