i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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