I'm laying in your front yard are you home
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
