I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
