Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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