Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
