the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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