meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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