Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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